I’ve been useless at updating my expedition log recently and there have been multiple reasons.
Firstly, as I say to anyone who asks about project fear, the sailing is the easy bit; running a campaign, organizing sponsors, updating blogs and generally keeping on top of all the admin that comes with it is the hard bit. I have always struggled with reading and writing and my dyslexia means that I often find it hard to translate what’s going on in my brain into words. This means trying to write blog posts can often take several hours, or even days.
Recently with Fear being back in the water finding and making the time to sit down with my laptop and write has been the last thing on my mind. Especially with the weather getting warmer, I have wanted to be outside and enjoying the sunshine. I guess that’s why I’ve taken this project on though, because I love sailing rather than sitting behind a desk.
A lot has happened since my last update. Fear is pretty much ready and finished. We are now fiddling with all the little snags and catches that have appeared, but all the major jobs have now been done. We did our first major sailing test trip, were lots of things went wrong which although frustrating was kind of the point. (I plan to do a separate update about that trip with all the details.) Everything was pretty much on track for departure on the 2nd of June, then at the end of April just to keep things interesting my body decided to throw me another curve ball.
On the 27th of April, I was forced despite my best efforts to go to A and E. I was in huge amounts of pain and generally unwell. After a battery of tests, it was determined that somehow during my last catheter change I had got a urine infection. This seemed to have sent my body into shock and triggered a whole load of other issues. The biggest one being that I didn’t seem to be able to eat or drink anything. The hope was that once the infection was cleared my gastric system would settle down and recover. With neither the hospital nor the hospice able to offer any treatments I chose to come home on 1st May.
I have now been home over a week and although we were hoping for significant improvements once my gastric system has settled, I am still struggling. I am managing to keep small bits of liquids down and small bits of chocolate but haven’t been able to get significant nutrition since this infection started. I have now lost over 6kg and am physically weaker than I’ve been in a long time. This of course, with less than a month to go to the start date has rather thrown a spanner in the works and mainly raised the question of if I will be well enough to go. The honest answer right now is that we don’t know. Everything is very much in limbo and is a waiting game.
I have already outlived my life expectancy once and I intend to try and do it again. My health has been fragile for a while, we have known that managing to get me suitable amounts of fluids and nutrition was going to be a deteriorating battle. We are fighting an impossible situation to which there is no solution. At some point my body will simply be no longer able to function, no matter how much I will it to. But when that point is, it has never been clear. This last infection and admission has bought us very close to that end point were no matter how much I want it whether my body can physically do it is another question.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what to do. Whether I cancel or delay the trip, whether I alter to have someone on board to support me, or whether I must give up on doing this nonstop and stop to allow my body time to rest and recover. Although those were all feasible options, me and Fear didn’t want any of them. We want it in its current forms as it stands, so we have made the decision to push it on and intend to continue to go on the 2nd of June as planned.
I truly believe the reason I have survived this long against all expectations is because having Fear and the project has given me something to chase and work for. It has given me hope in what at times feels like a pointless battle. Something to work for that is bigger than myself that can hopefully create a lasting impact.
As I sit here, I really don’t know if I can make it to the start line. I feel physically weak, tired and in pain. I don’t know if I can do this, but I do know that I have to try. At the end of the day all of this has always been a shot in the dark, ever since we started pulling this off was always going to be somewhat of a miracle. Project Fear has always been about far more than simply sailing around the UK and Ireland. It’s about showing that you don’t have to be defined by expectations and that there is so much more to life than simply existence. Its about showing that chasing your dreams, yes is crazy and exhausting and hard but is so worth it. It’s simply about showing that I truly believe anything is possible, you just need a little imagination and an awful lot of hard work.
Thank you for joining me on the expedition so far, the insane amounts of love and support have made each hard day just that little bit easier. Fingers crossed together we get to that start line!
